Assalamualaikum.
Hari ni nak share sikit pasal satu blog yg saya baca dan saya rasa elok kalau kita sama-sama ambil manfaat, walaupun dia ni mat salleh.. ada juga kebenarannya. islam sendiripun bayak perkatakan tentang ni kann..
p/s : Saya suka sangat ngan ceramah Ustadz Kazim Elyas.. :D
Text from a divorced man after 16 years of marriage.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about
my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of
things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I
loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I
would have had
1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER
EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you
promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART
and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred
treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget
that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to
being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same
vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a
special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your
wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and
refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3. Fall in love over and over again. You will
constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got
married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are
today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other
everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care
of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out
completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to
win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what
you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you,
all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love,
you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you
can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that
you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job
is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And
if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or
not.
6. Take full accountability for your own emotions:
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad.
You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that
your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7. Never blame your wife if you get
frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your
responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present
and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is
asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was
the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the
most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself,
you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever
were.
8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s
sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and
let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s
important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The
feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her
emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging
she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S
UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going
anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and
emotion.
9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages
and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and
CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel
loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make
her feel like a queen.
11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but
your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear
your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat
her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her
away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour
her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of
her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can
trust you fully.
13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being
one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too
big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not
supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving
and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to
nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go
and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will
come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic
here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself,
ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get
re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the
kids and the world.)
15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust
you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you
don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your
heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds…
Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your
darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need
to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will
never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond
breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is
the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you
stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and
visions to work towards.
18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find
ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates
fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future
rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold
you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is
like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.
FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the
end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle
through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will
threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.
It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to
continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity.
Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it
will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to
learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned
too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying
forward. Truth is,
I loved being married, and
in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a
foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those
those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those
couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those
men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps
something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady
has been waiting for.
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